


The Fault In Our Onions

by shrek



Category: David Bowie (Musician), Shrek Series, The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
Genre: John Green - Freeform, M/M, Shrek - Freeform, The fault in our stars, john green/shrek - Freeform, shrekbowie, the fault in our onions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-11
Packaged: 2018-02-08 09:55:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1936521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrek/pseuds/shrek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tale of a man who's lost himself. An author out of ideas. A man who has lost his identity. An ogre in a committed relationship who has conflicting feelings for another man.. The Fault In Our Onions. When was the last time the SHREK kissed the JOHN GREEN in a teen romance? Seriously, has it ever happened, ever? I don't think it's ever happened. "Shrek was perfect in every way, except for one fault: he didn't love me back. He couldn't love me. The Fault In Our Shrek." - John Green. Really really? Really really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fault In Our Onions

John sat alone in a café, baguette in one hand, coffee in the other. He was wearing his favorite black béret, but had his white Beats By Dre™ headphones on over it. 

"Raaazzz barry burrayy!! Yeah!! a kind ya find in a second hand store hmm mm mm" John sang loudly and out-of-tune in the cafe. He was listening to Raspberry Beret by Prince on his iphone. A typewriter sat in front of him. Someone tapped him on the shoulder. The stranger's fingers felt wide and rough. John, startled, jumped in his seat and looked at the stranger. 

John continued to stare at the stranger as their mouth moved, but John didn't hear a word. He hadn't paused his music. He quickly removed his Beats By Dre™ headphones, accidentally taking off his beret as well. His face was flushed with embarrassment. He wanted to disappear. "If only I had Harry Potter's invisibility cloak" he said aloud. 

The stranger was irritated and about to leave. "Wait!!," John yelled at the attractive stranger. The big, green, mighty man came back towards John. 

"Can ah help you?" he said in an annoyed tone. 

John began to speak in a pseudo-Texan accent "Well I am just red as a beet!" he giggled. He noticed the green stranger did not look amused, and dropped his smile & fake accent. John cleared his throat. "Which is ironic, because my last name is actually Green. Not red! Tough crowd here.." John put his beret back on. "So, you got a name?" he asked. 

"Shrek. Now, what do ya want? I'm a lit'l busy tonight! Ya bet'er tell meh what ya want now or I'm goin'" Shrek said. 

John adapted a fake French accent. "Oui oui, Monsieur Shrek! Eh, how you say, bonjour! Would you like to know my name?"   
Shrek opened his mouth, but was interrupted by John before he could answer.   
"It is Jean. Jean Green. Oui oui, hon ho-" suddenly everything was black. 

When John awoke, the scent of onions was overwhelming. He still couldn't see much. "HEY!!!" he screamed, "WHERE AM I?" 

The darkness slowly faded into an all-too-well-lit room. It looked a bit like a surgery room or a science lab, he thought. John's vision was too blurry to know for certain where he was. He didn't have his glasses on. A green humanoid figure moved towards him. 

"Hey..." John said weakly. "Hey, you.. he y" The green thing had injected John Green with something, and he immediately fell asleep. 

When John awoke again, he was furious at first. Then he noticed several green figures. "Wait a minute.. Shrek? Sh.." John closed his eyes.   
"Son of a.. Is this an alien abduction? Have I been abducted by aliens? Am I going to get _probed?"_  John got excited for a moment at the thought of being probed, but then he remembered where he was. "Hey! I'm talkin' to you!" he shouted. As one of the green humanoids, which John thought looked like a stereotypical 'little green man' for all he could see, approached John, he spat in it's big green face. "Take me to your leader!" he yelled. John Green was furious! 

\-------------

A classic, analog, bell-ringing alarm clock awoke a drooling, snoring man. The man screamed, jumped out of his bed, and ran out of his house. Wearing nothing but his underwear and a t-shirt, he screamed as he ran outside. "YOU WON'T GET ME!! YOU'RE NOT GONNA PROBE ME YOU GREEN BASTARDS! AHH!" He continued to do this until he crashed into something big and heavy. It was Shrek. The man fell to the ground and looked up at the ogre. 

"What were ya sayin'? Green bastards not gonna probe ya?" 

Sitting on the ground, he thought to himself "Damn it, John, you've embarrassed yourself in front of the shrexy stud again!" 

Shrek, in a rare moment, was slightly flustered. "Da ya think I'm shrexy?" he asked. 

John Green's cheeks were completely red. "I..," he started. "Wait! Did I say that out loud?" 

Shrek leaned down to comfort John. "Shh, it's alright. Us green guys gotta stick together! Besides," Shrek caressed John Green's red cheeks, "these ain't the only cheeks you got that are gonna be red when I'm through with ya!" he boasted. 

John Green was confused. Shrek helped him up. "What do you mean? I-" 

"Be on yer way now, lad. Go on. We'll meet again." Shrek said. As soon as John Green turned around, Shrek slapped John's ass cheek as hard as he could. 

In an extremely whiny voice, John yelled "Hey!!" but as he turned around, the ogre was gone. "Oh, that Shrek" he said with a smile. John Green headed back home. He had to write about this wonderful shrexperience. He started running, but tripped on the sidewalk. he woke up in lord farquaad's castle. 

\-----------------------

"Did you like my little show I've put on, Johnny-boy?" Lord Farquaad demanded. 

John Green was too confused to answer. 

"My name is John Green. I live at 123 John Green Lane. I drive a green s-" 

"SILENCE!" Lord farquaad interrupted. 

A few minutes of silence passed.   
"Say, what's going on here?" John Green asked. "Why am I strapped to this hospital bed? Why am I in a castle? Why are you so short? Wh-" 

Lord Farquaad pressed a lever which launched John Green into his dungeon. However, the lever malfunctioned and accidentally sent John Green outside of the castle. He was free. 

"Who am I?" he asked himself. He wasn't sure about anything now. Was his whole life an illusion? Had he imagined all his experienced, were they all mind-tricks implanted by Lord Farquaad? Or did everything actually happen, and John Green later was kidnapped by Lord Farquaad. John Green thought the former option was too ridiculous, so he ruled that out definitively. 

He began wandering about town, asking strangers about his identity. 

"Who am I?" he asked an elderly woman. 

"I don't know, now get away from me!" she shouted as she smacked him with her purse. 

John looked up at the sky. "Will I ever find out who I am?" he asked aloud. 

In the distance, a teenage boy asked a teenage girl "Hey, is that John Green?" 

"No way!" the girl replied. "There's no way John Green would be out here."

"WHO IS JOHN GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" John Green shouted into the sky, arms out in the air. The teenagers hurried away from the area, frightened. 

John sat down. "What a rotten day," he said to himself as he sat pretzel-style on the ground in his torn-up sleepwear. 

\--------------

As John was walking, he passed a ballpark. A game of onion-ball was being played, and it seemed to be a particularly significant one. John basked in the overwhelming aroma of onions for a moment. Tears began to form in his eyes. "Ahh, onions," he said blissfully. 

The next batter in the game was up. John thought it looked kinda like Shrek, but he was wearing a helmet as per Onion-Ball regulation, so it was difficult to be certain. The picher threw the onion and the batter hit it perfectly and ran a home run. A hundred air-horns blew. The sound was quite painful for John. He thought he saw David Bowie cheering in the crowd. "That's odd," he said. "Say, I've got a story idea!" John rushed to the store to buy a typewriter, as he was unsure where his true home was, and began to type a story.

"The Fault In Our Onions" he began typing.

"Good title." he bragged to himself.  

"The..." he immediately got writer's block. "Wow! How could this happen to me?" he screamed and threw his typewriter on the ground, breaking it. He crumpled up his paper and threw it on the ground outside of the onion-ball park. 

Later that night, after the onion-ball-game was over and dusk was approaching, Shrek stumbled across the paper. He un-crumpled it and read it. "The Fault In Our Onions? What a load of-" 

"What have you got there, dear?" David Bowie asked his big, green ogre man. 

"It's nothing.." Shrek said as he pretended to throw the paper away. He slipped it into his pocket. "Ogres never lie" he whispered to himself. 

 

it's not ogre yet! get ready for chapter two - john green


End file.
